A baby story

I promised to post more details about Raegan's birthday, and I also thought I should write this down before I forget the details. Apparently, at some point in my life, I will forget many of these details and I will not be able to really recall the pain of child birth. I have to say I am strongly skeptical of these claims! I can't imagine forgetting any of it! Here are most the of details- play by play- as I remember them. :)

Meghan had spent most of her spring break with us and then packed up and left on Sunday, April 17 in the early afternoon. Around 6:00pm that night I began having increasingly uncomfortable menstrual-like cramps. Jasen and I went to Carl's Jr around 7 for some food, since there wasn't really anything in the house. I remember I was starving and also thinking this could be my last meal for a while if I was actually going into labor. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich, fries, and a salad. It was pretty uncomfortable sitting in the car, but I still wasn't convinced I was going into labor. When we got back home, I grabbed my blackberry, where I had downloaded a contractions app, and began timing the "contractions." They were about 2 minutes in duration and consistently 7-8 minutes apart. My Mom called just to say Hi and I told her that I was having some regular cramping, but I told her I really didn't think it was labor. I remember women telling me that they cramped for days before actually going into labor. Boy, was I ever wrong.

Jasen and I continued to watch some TV, and around 9:00 the contractions kicked up a notch. Now I was having some significant pain in my back and decided that I would get in the shower to relax. I remember telling Jasen that I was fairly certain he would not being going to work the next day! The contractions continued to get closer together, shorter in duration, and more intense. By 1:00am I was barely managing the pain, and the contractions were lasting a solid minute, 5 minutes apart. I was needing Jasen to push on my lower back with all his might during each contraction. I tried all sorts of positions, including getting back in the shower several times, but the pain was intense. I called my midwife (Alison) at around 1:00am and informed her what was going on and that I was having a really hard time managing the pain. I remembered during our prenatal visits that Alison had said back labor is excruciatingly painful, and that some home births must be transferred to the hospital because the women have such a hard time managing back labor pain. Go figure, there I was with back labor, and she was right, it was dreadful. Alison advised me of some strategies, and said to call if the contractions became closer together. By 2:00am I was managing contractions on my hands and knees on the floor, with Jasen pushing on my lower back. I remember telling him to press harder, and him saying, "I'm leaving marks on your back because I'm pressing so hard!" I called Alison at 2:00 with news that contractions were 4 minutes apart and lasting a solid minute, and so she started on her way. When she arrived at 3:00 am I was in so much pain I was barely aware of who was in the room. She checked me and I was fully effaced and 5 cm dilated, which was a lot of progress from my last appointment which was less than a week prior. So, I continued to labor, switching positions frequently and doing my best to stay positive and calm. At 5:00am she checked me again, and she discovered that my intact bag of water was preventing the baby from descending and so I told her to go ahead and break the bag.

Alison: "There is thick merconium here. Do you want to see it?"
Me: "No."
Alison: "It is best if we transfer to the hospital. I don't have the resuscitation equipment that the baby may need. But it is your choice."
Me: "I am so disappointed."


I rode in the car with Alison and her assistant (who is actually Alison's daughter- Daymora or "Day" for short). Jasen stayed behind to pack a bag, deal with Roxy, and lock up the house. The ride to the hospital was excruciating- the contractions were so much worse sitting in the car. When we arrived at the hospital, I remember Alison and Day filling out paper work while I had contraction after contraction in the wheelchair. It felt like the contractions were now coming one on top of another, without a break in between. Once I was finally in a room, they hooked me up to an IV for fluids and an electronic fetal heart monitor. I had asked Alison in the car how it might go if I declined any of these "interventions" and she said quite frankly that we were on their turf because we needed their help, so its best to play by their rules.

Laying in the hospital bed made the contractions even worse, since I couldn't move or change positions to help cope with the pain. I ended up asking for an epidural (at that point I think I would have done just about anything to get some relief) and they had the anesthesiologist there in 10 minutes flat. I believe they were worried I was terrorizing the entire maternity floor with the amount of noise I was making. Jasen still hadn't arrived at the hospital and I kept asking the midwives where he was. The midwives are great, but I needed my husband. Finally, Day told me that he was on his way but that the dog had tripped him while he was going down the stairs and he had hurt his ankle. She said he was on his way. Great, now I was worried about my husband on top of everything else. I told Day to call Meghan to come to the hospital. I felt like Jay and I were going to need more support, given the way that things were going. (Turns out Jasen was fine, just a little tweaked ankle).

Finally, Jasen arrived and although he said it was only about 30 minutes, to me it had felt like an eternity. I remember the amazing nurse who let me basically cling to her while I endured several contractions during the epidural, during which I was strictly instructed not to move. That was excruciating and I remember the nurse asking me to please not knock her over by placing ALL of my weight on her. Once the epidural was done, I had almost instant relief and felt like I had regained some sanity and awareness. Meghan arrived around 9 am I think, and she made record time driving from the bay area! I think Meghan called my parents to let them know what was going on, but I'm actually not sure. I remember focusing on the baby's heart rate, as I was concerned about fetal distress. I was monitoring my contractions by watching the monitor, since I knew that labor can slow down once the epidural is given. I was happy to see that the contractions continued strong and consistent. At 10:00 am I told the nurse I was feeling pressure, and she checked me to find I was 10cm and ready to push. At 10:15 I began this journey of pushing out a baby. Jasen looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "We're going to meet our baby." The nurse told me first time Moms take about 1-2 hours to push out the baby....I remember telling Meghan that I hope I would be at the lower end of that range. I asked for the epidural to be turned down because I wanted to be able to know when a contraction was coming.....and my legs were too numb for my liking.

Two hours later.....at 12:15pm the doctor came in because the pushing was not moving the baby down, and that despite turning on both my sides, the baby was still posterior. She told me that if I hadn't made progress in the next 45 minutes that a c-section would be necessary. I remember her telling me that having a c-section is sometimes necessary and that it is not a failure. To me, it was failure and I wanted to avoid a c-section more than anything. I looked Alison in the eyes and said, "I'm not having a c-section."

The next two hours are kind of a blur. I remember the nurse being amazing, and Meghan and Jay holding my legs. Jasen would bring me cold wash cloths and ask if that felt okay, and I remember thinking that I didn't have enough energy to answer his questions. By now I had been up for 28 hours straight and hadn't had anything to eat in about 17 hours. I had gone through 8 hours of hard labor at home before even coming to the hospital. At 1:15pm, three hours into pushing, I remember feeling exhausted and clearly thinking that there was no way I was actually going to push the baby out. Although I didn't say it, I was very close to actually begging for a c-section. I kept looking for some type of measurable feedback from the nurse or Alison to let me know that I was making progress, but all I heard was...."We can see more of the head" or "That was a good push" or "No, that was not a beneficial push." The nurse had paged the doctor and I remember her saying she would try to turn the baby a little to see if that would help, and for the nurse to page her once the head was staying down. At some point, the baby started showing stress, so they gave me oxygen. The epidural was down so low that it was practically not working at all at this point, and I was back to feeling every contraction. Being back in full pain with contractions and being exhausted put me back into a frantic state and I remember saying (okay, more like yelling) that I couldn't do it. I was feeling desperate to have this over. Someone suggested a mirror so I could see the baby's progress. This made all the difference in the world, since now I could see progress and I could see what type of push was actually moving the baby. Next thing I knew, I heard the nurse say on the phone "We're ready for a birthday party in here." Then the room filled with a NICU team due to concerns with merconium, and the doctor came in with scrubs.

I remember thinking...."Wow, all of these people think I'm pushing this baby out." Frankly, I didn't really think I could do it at this point. The pain was so bad at this point that all I could do was push into the pain with every contraction, which was exhausting. I begged for the epidural to be turned up, but Alison insisted that if I did that, then surely I wouldn't be able to get the baby out. So, I pushed through the pain and at 2:21pm I delivered a beautiful baby girl. Jasen had to ask..."What is it?" And the doctor announced it was a girl. Jasen was crying and I think Meghan was too. Jay cut the cord and they whisked my baby girl away to the NICU team. I remember telling Jasen to go be with her, but I was still in so much pain and so exhausted I could barely think straight. They had to take Raegan to the NICU right away, and so I only caught a glimpse of her. I remember thinking that she was beautiful and that's when the tears came. I hugged my doctor...thanking her for allowing me to deliver without the c-section. Alison told me how proud she was of me, and Jasen kissed me over and over with eyes filled with tears. I honestly don't think that I was processing much at this point, but I do remember these tidbits.

Raegan had required resuscitation and intibation at birth, and based on the doctor's update there was some serious concern initially. It was obviously the right decision to transfer to the hospital. She stayed in the NICU for three days. She required antibiotics, a chest x-ray, IV fluids, and on-going heart rate, oxygen, and respiration monitoring. Basically, she was hooked up to a lot of stuff. Seeing her like that was very difficult for me, especially the IV that was all taped up to her arm. I went down to the NICU every 2-3 hours to feed her and hold her, even through the night. I had to leave her one night by herself, since I had been discharged and she had not- due to some concerns with jaundice and the doctor waiting for the culture to come back to be sure her lungs were clear of infection. It was very difficult leaving the hospital without a baby, but I knew she was in good hands. The NICU nurses were incredible. They told me I could call as much as I wanted though out the night to check on her, so we left her at 10pm and went back the next morning to bring her home.

Raegan was away from me for the first hour of her life, and so once I was finally able to go to the NICU to see her, I was worried she might now know who I was....since we didn't have that time right after her birth to bond. But, when I held her for the first time, she starred into my eyes as if she knew who I was immediately. The NICU nurse said, "Look at how she is looking at you! Right into your eyes! She is so in love with you!" I will never forget that moment.....

It was not entirely the baby story that I had hoped for and anticipated. There were many aspects of the birth that were not as I had envisioned or planned, and the difficulties that I had in delivering her and the time she was in the NICU are sometimes still hard to think about. But, I am grateful that some of the things I had hoped for did come true....I had my baby naturally and in a loving environment. Even though it wasn't the home birth I had wanted, all of the staff at the hospital were respectful of the fact that I had not wanted to be in the hospital and that being there was a disappointment for me. And....both baby and I are very healthy.

Some women say its not important how you get the baby, just that you get the baby and he or she is healthy. But I can't believe that. The process was and is important to me and was the most emotional event I've ever experienced in my life. I am so grateful for my little girl, and I am so grateful that I had such an immense level of support during this life changing experience.

Alison later told me how proud she was of me for delivering a posterior and missionary baby (meaning her neck was straight as an arrow, instead of head tilted to allow for easier delivery).  She told me that most women cannot push out a posterior baby, and this is a very common reason for a c-section. She also said that if I had asked for a c-section, she would have supported me in that decision. I'm glad I never asked for it in the end.

So.....here we are at home nearly 3 weeks old (I can't believe it....it truly feels like one long day with lots of little naps)....we are getting to know our new little addition to our family and loving her to pieces! We are so excited for everyone to meet her!! :)