20 months ago...

Twenty months ago today, my life forever changed in ways I had never imagined. Twenty months ago I learned what it was like to have my heart forever walking around outside of my body. As a parent, I know that life is fragile and fleeting, and the recent events are an even greater reminder that we must be grateful everyday for the gift of life. I look at my little girl who is the greatest expression of love that I have ever known, and my heart aches for the parents that lost their everything. Because there is nothing left but to look for the good in something so horrific, I will use it to find even more gratitude for those that I love and for the  uncountable gifts in my life.

Happy 20 months Raegan! I love you soooo much! We are grateful for you EVERY day!

To the families in CT.....love and light. Something needs to change...this loss will not be in vain.

"Basically, change comes from thinking thoughts you've never thought before and showing up to meet them down streets you've never walked before."- Mike Dooley

19 months....a little late

I forgot to post for 19 months! Don't worry, I'm not lacking for pictures though, ;)
We had so much fun at Thanksgiving, having my Mom and Meg visit for the holidays. With Matt and Shari, we were a fun party of 7 for Thanksigivng! The pictures of Raegan in the little sweater (bought at a shop in downtown IL by the way) were taken as we were waiting to pick up my Mom at the train station (actually, she arrived on the Amtrak bus from Meg's, which is were she flew in to). Raegan loved seeing the trains, but would run and hide behind my leg when they sped toward us.

She is saying so many words now! Even using lots of phrases and facial expressions to get her point across (I'm really loving, "No, No, No, Mommy!" while shaking her finger at me). She is also quite the adventurous eater, and is willing to try pretty much anything I put on her plate (or anything she sees us eating). Her favorite treats right now are almond flour pancakes, rice four tortilla chicken quesadillas, and banana bread! The banana bread is a special treat, and she loves to sit on the counter top to help me bake. She will also keep an eye on the bread in the oven when I leave the oven light on, and anticipate the timer going off. She says, "Yummy Mommy!"

This year she loves our Christmas decorations. Let me remind you that last year she cried every time she saw Frosty in the yard, and this year she squeals with excitement! We had to block off the Christmas tree and stockings, for fear that she might pull down the stockings (and heavy stocking holders), or even worse, the Christmas tree. She also had this desire to squeeze the Christmas ornaments ...bad idea! So now we admire it from afar. :)

Road trip

Raegan and I took a road trip to go visit Aunt Meg for the weekend! Jasen had planned on coming, but was sick with a cold and an ear infection- yuck. So, stinx and I mad the trip ourselves! She was the perfect little passenger in the car and loved looking out the window! Raegan really enjoyed getting into everything at Meg's, including a deck of cards that ended up all over the apartment, along with about 50 finger puppets. Meg's apartment has never looked so lived in.... ;)
We did some shopping and ate some yummy food! We had beautiful weather! I wish I had taken a few more pictures though!

One year....

A stinker bug

This was the most fun I've had at Halloween for as long as I can remember! It was so wonderful seeing Raegan have so much fun, and see how far she's come in just one year! Its fun reliving these traditions through they eyes of child.

The weekend before Halloween, being the good behaviorist that I am, I decided we should do a role play to teach Reagan how to trick or treat. So, I put a pair of bunny ears on her, grabbed her pumpkin bucket, and the two of use went outside while Jasen stayed inside to hand us the candy. Raegan has never had candy before, so I wasn't anticipating any issues with not letting her eat the candy (especially since it was right before bed). But, once we were done role playing and we came inside, Raegan was curiously turning over the pieces of candy and then said to us, "Bite!" So, we decided we would let her have a few licks of a lollipop.....not the whole thing, cause it was almost time for bed. Her whole face lit up with one lick, and she smiled at Jay and I and said, "Yum!!!!" She just kept smiling ear to ear while she enjoyed her lollipop. After a few minutes, I had her put it back in the wrapper, which she did willingly. THEN, she realized I was putting it away. Bad mommy. Raegan had the longest tantrum she has ever had....probably lasted a good 5 or 6 minutes. It took a lot to finally distract her so she would calm down. I felt awful. Lesson learned. Whoever made up the expression about taking candy from a baby, never actually took candy from a baby. It ain't easy!

However, our role play was very successful! On the night of Halloween Raegan was all ready to go, and when I told her we were going trick or treating and gave her the pumpkin bucket, she said, "Okay!!" We went with Aunt Shannon and cousin Camden. We all took turns taking Raegan to the door, but she did a great job of taking the candy and putting it in her bucket. I would prompt her to say Thank you, and she would say it, or sign it, and then she would say, "bye!" We let her walk some too, but that is a lot of walking for such little legs! A few houses even gave her extra candy for being so cute! She wasn't shy at all, and actually loved seeing the scary Halloween decorations. She would say, "Look daddy!!" and point to the ghosts! Even when her pumpkin bucket was filled to the top, she was insistent on carrying it herself! (Finally, a lady gave me a plastic bag to sneak out some of the candy so Raegan's pumpkin wasn't so heavy).

When we got home, I let her dump the whole pumpkin of candy out on the floor and she chose a few pieces to try. She also enjoyed sitting with the candy all around her (or under her, as the case may be).

The very next night, Raegan was asking for her bug costume and ready to head out the door for another night of fun. How disappointing to have to tell her she has to wait another 365 days. She didn't buy it, so I had to take her outside and show her that no one else was trick or treating before she finally calmed down and gave up on the notion. However, I caution anyone to mention trick or treating around her. I accidentally did it once, she shot me a look with eyes open wide and said, "Okay, okay, okay!!"

Happy Halloween my little bug!! :)

Watch this!!!

I found a free link on youtube, just please disregard the foreign subtitles. Please watch this! Please forward to everyone you know! The Greater Good

Here are two of my favorite among many quotes of the documentary. I particularly love and appreciate all of the medical doctors that spoke out in this film. They are the brave and courageous individuals that give me hope that someday we might turn around this nightmare.

Both quotes from Dr. John Green III, M.D., Family Practitioner

"Since I began practicing in 1975, I saw one child with autism in the '80s, one in the early '90s, and in the late '90s, I was literally flooded with patients. I've evaluated and treated now approximately 2100 patients with autism."

"Instead of a scientific discussion presenting the facts, hysterical moms are presented against white coat ivy league academics. I'm sick and tired of this. I see children injured everyday. Everyday disasters in families from vaccination injuries."

A year and a half!

I had better write this blog entry before time gets away from me....
Raegan is 18 months old! Not really a baby anymore, but a full blown toddler with many ways to assert her opinion in the world! She says, "No!" (with emphasis!) quite often. She says it accompanied by a facial expression that makes me feel like I have just suggested the most ridiculous thing, like going to the moon to eat broccoli. When actually, I have just asked her if she needs her diaper changed. She also says, "Okay" in the sweetest voice I've ever heard. She says "Okay" instead of "yes" which I think is super cute. This last week she started saying, "Look!" and pointing, or saying "Look Daddy!" She also tells Roxy to go poo in the backyard (as she has seen me do on numerous occasions) so she stands at the back door and yells, "RaRa, Go poopoo!" I really need to get that on video. She is saying phrase approximations of "Where did it go?" and "Be right back." I took a little video clip of her saying some of her other emerging words, and here is the link. :)

We have started working on toileting  in a very casual way. She is just sitting on the potty a few times a day. She has gone one time in the potty when we first started, but not since. I have to admit I haven't been diligent about a schedule yet, so it is mostly my lack of consistency. Soon we will get going on it more seriously!

We are still breastfeeding! Just a couple times a day, and that has been so helpful for the times she has been sick. In fact, she has been pretty sick the last week and nursing is all she wants. I felt good having at least something that made her feel a little better. The poor thing. :( I can't believe we made it to 18 months. There were times in the beginning when I didn't think I would make it one more day! I'm glad I stuck it out. It finally became something that I enjoyed, and it is something very special to me. I'm not sure when we will decide to stop, I guess I'll have to ask Raegan. ;)

Halloween is coming up and I think she will have a ball going trick or treating. We still need to carve our pumpkin (once Mommy is feeling better ....ugh, now I have a bad cold). I'm also leaving her with Daddy for several nights while I go to Phoenix for a weekend trip. I'm going to miss her sooooo much. Hopefully I can handle it!

Here is another video from within the last month or so, of Raegan doing one of her most favorite things in the world....giving Roxy her treats!Link

Pumpkin Festival

We had a blast going to the pumpkin festival at Bishop's Farm which is about 25 minutes north of our house. It is becoming a Smith family tradition, and this is Raegan and I's first year going. The farm is very clean and well kept, with so much fun for the kids! (Her cousins are the kids in the pics below.) The pumpkin patch was amazing, with pumpkins as big as Raegan! Grandma Shari purchased tickets for her to ride a pony and the train, both of which she loved and did not want to get off when it was done! We all enjoyed the farm animals, and I took Raegan into the goat pin to feed them. They had chickens, a donkey, pigs, a llama, sheep, and horses. I enjoyed a yummy caramel apple, while sitting under one of the many shade trees. We also took a hay ride out to the pumpkin fields to choose our own pumpkins. The weather was beautiful!

Trip to the motherland

For Jasen's 39th birthday, I planned him a trip to Lambeau field to see his beloved Packers for the first time in his life. I decided that this is something he has got to check off the list before he hits 40 and can barely remember it. ha! For those of you who don't know where that is, it is in Green bay, Wisconsin which is where Jasen was born and where some of his family still resides. His identical twin (Cousin Jeff) went with him on the trip, and while they were there, they decided to also go to a Milwaukee Brewer game and a Wisconsin Badger game. Ben and my Dad drove up to meet them for the Wisconsin Badger game, tailgating and all. Jasen and Jeff also stayed with Jeff's brother at his beautiful place in Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin, which is the lake picture below.

All three games were victories, with the most important of all being the Packers. I'm pretty sure that I have never heard so much excitement in Jasen's voice when I talked to him after he took his seat at Lambeau field.  He said it was an amazing experience! Happy Birthday Hun!! :)

17 months

Already another month old....they seem to fly by now. I do find myself more often thinking of the old adages about how fast kids grow and how they are off to college before you know it. This is particularly hard for me to think about since I'm back to work full time, with a really long stretch of time before I have a break of time off. I miss Raegan terribly, and I try to remind myself that soon there will be time off to spend with her. Luckily, she has a wonderful nanny who cares for her very well and gives her a lot of love while mommy and daddy are gone. I just selfishly want to always be the one with her. I know this time of her being little will not last forever.

With that said, she is learning new words and new tricks every day it seems! She says, "RaRa" for Roxy, and "more" - one of her favorites for food, and she loves to say, "pleeeeeeeease" to get her way. She will often imitate words she hears us say, and if we don't understand her she will still use her sign language. This morning she took off her own shoes! I was so proud of her! And, she cleans up her toys before she goes to bed. She is close to an all out run, and is getting better at navigating small steps...although she is very cautious! Her absolute favorite thing right now is giving treats to Roxy, which she asks to do about a million times a day. When we tell her no, she subsequently asks for some people food, and then proceeds to try to feed that to Roxy. Clever! Also, her cousin brought her this little toy vanity set and Raegan likes to hide pieces of food in the tiny drawer. I think it is quite funny!

We bought her Halloween costume, and she will be a lady bug! Next month she'll be 1 1/2, so we'll probably have some of her 18 month pictures taken in it!

Here are few recent pics....